For much of my adult life friends and family have been gracious enough to share with me their thoughts on my personality deficiencies. Not surprisingly they have mostly consisted of being told that I'm just like my father. I would smile and tell them they are nuts and that I was nothing like him. They would roll their eyes and hook their thumbs at me like I was some kind of lunatic.
What they didn't understand was that ever since I was very young, like five or six years old, I have been very self aware of who I am and what are my faults and strengths. I can't explain it and I don't understand why I'm able to see things about me but I have grown to accept this gift and just deal with it. Now, that doesn't mean that I fix the things I know are not right all the time, but I am aware that I have faults.
What was never said to me but was known by me to be true is that I am most like my mother. In my opinion she is crazy while I am self aware but that's a scab we can pick later. My point is that I have known for many years she and I are very much alike in too many evil ways. At least I know I have issues, she is another story.
Being self aware I have been able to self correct throughout my life in order to remain a functioning member of society, when I want to. Many times I just like to stir the pot for my amusement or to distract others from a larger issue with me that I don't want to reveal or bring attention to at a given point in time.
Lately things have been going on in my life that are bringing one of my biggest faults to the surface. My struggle with patience. I won't bore you with the details but as I'm getting older I am finding it more difficult to keep my lack of patience reigned in. I struggle with things in my life not going smoothly or getting out of my control and it brings to the surface a borderline violent anger that sometimes even scares me.
I'm not saying I have plans on killing anyone or anything, although the thought has crossed my mind on occasion, but it is more of a frustration boiling over that I can't fix what is obviously wrong in a particular situation. The fact that the person or thing raising my frustration can't see this themselves is what brings the steam out and makes me semi crazy.
I can hear you saying, Dan, getting mad at the toaster is irrational, or she's 94 years old give her a break, and I would agree with you but that doesn't stop me from getting nuts. I spent forty plus years in the business world where I had to be patient and restrained every single day and I have come to the conclusion that I must have used every last strand of what little patience I had to start with in order to stay out of lawsuits in that world.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately along with being thankful that we never had kids because I'm pretty sure I would have been a horrible parent. If the dog not doing what I want her to do frustrates me imagine what a kid would do to me. It was a good decision on our part to remain childless is all I'm saying.
Anyway, back to the point of this. I realize I am on the last lap here on earth and the fact that I am getting more and more frustrated at things really makes me more angry. I would love to be like others I know, happy, satisfied, filled with love for humanity, but that ship has sailed a long time ago for me. It would really help me if everyone in my circle would do their part to not piss me off so much and just do what I tell them to do, my life would be so much better.
I'll thank you in advance for your help on this.
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